Noise Complaint Leads to Major Bust

Local authorities discovered a toilet paper smuggling ring after responding to a noise complaint in central Clovis*. (CR Photo)

Local authorities uncovered a large toilet paper smuggling ring being run out of a local suspected drug den last Friday night in central Clovis.

Officers responded to a noise complaint at a party located at a suspected drug den and discovered an operation regarding large quantities of pure, uncut toilet paper inside the house, which they seized immediately.

The party-goers are known drug dealers and were found to have been partaking in the use of illegal drugs at the scene, giving the officers probable cause to search the house.

While searching, officers located a storage unit receipt, and ordered the tenants to surrender the keys to it.

After obtaining a search warrant, detectives arrived at a local storage facility nearby. Upon opening the storage unit, rolls of toilet paper rolled out underneath the officers legs. Discovered were 500 24-roll packs of toilet paper.

The toilet paper is said to be of high quality, 3-ply, ultra-strong and ultra-soft.

Officers were unable to locate any receipts for the contraband, leading them to believe that it was stolen.

After a brief interrogation, the suspects confessed to targeting and stalking customers exiting supermarkets and big-box stores.

“We have reason to believe that they had been planning this for several weeks,” according to lead Detective Sharmin U. Soff. “This is the biggest bust we have seen for this type of contraband.”

The suspects were said to have turned to stealing and selling the toilet paper due to its increased value because of the COVID-19 pandemic that has made its way throughout the nation.

Lewis Bowells, one of the gang members arrested, was unapologetic for his crimes.

“This is more lucrative at the moment than anything else on the streets. I’m not ashamed. We’re taking advantage of the current environment and meeting the supply and demand of the people.”

*This story is a complete fabrication in honor of April Fool’s Day and was not meant to offend anyone. Happy April Fool’s Day Clovis.

Michael graduated from Fresno State in May 2019 with a Bachelor of Arts degree in print journalism. During his time at the university, he served as sports and managing editor for The Collegian, Fresno State’s student-run newspaper. In addition to the Clovis Roundup, Michael has written for The Fresno Bee, the Kingsburg Recorder and Selma Enterprise. He has a passion for sports and can be found on the sidelines at local games, bringing the citizens of Clovis the athletics news they deserve.